Man-bashing

So, I saw this (I assume) erronelously forwarded message, essentially bashing men with a whole swath of woe is me yammering, I've decided this needs a line-by-line breakdown. Items I have a problem with are highlighted in red

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. -- In this day and age you can choose to retain your last name.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack... -- It can be for you, too ...
You can be President. -- Umm, didn't Hillary make a bid for this?
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. -- I've seen plenty of women go to a waterpark sans-shirt, sure, they're still wearing their swimsuit top ...
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. -- Only if you're homless and/or uncouth.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. -- Wanna bet? Men have standards too, y'know.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. -- Pop quiz? Is this because you're female, or just ignorant? Seriously?
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. -- Stand back and look at the requirements here: Wedding gown: Needs exquisite material, is usually kept as a 'souvinier', Is custom designed and tailored. Tuxedo: Thrown on our back, worn, turned in the next day, no requirements for type of material except color, which must meet the exacting demands of the bride. Oh, and not all wedding gowns cost thousands of dollars-- that was your choice, there are less expensive alternatives, sure, they're not as fabulous as the one that was spun and hand-woven by the finest and most highly trained of japanese silkworms...
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. -- Again, wanna bet? Oh, and you chose to wear the uncomfortable showpieces.
One mood all the time. -- What planet do you live on?
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. -- There's a way to resolve that! Don't prattle on about what so-and-so is doing with mr so-and-so if you want a 30 second phone conversation. You have this choice.
You know stuff about tanks. -- Personally, I don't no squat about tanks. Just because you're female doesn't mean you also have to be stupid. If you want to know stuff about tanks, then get up off your duff and learn something about tanks instead of moaning about how great men have it because they know stuff about tanks!
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. -- You can choose what to bring, if you want to pack light, pack light. There's no reason to bring an entire trunk containing your 64 different pairs of shoes, and 1000 different ensembles for each subtle difference in room lighting and decor. Again, a choice you can make, so make the choice instead of frowning about your overloaded pack mule of crap you won't necessarily need.
You can open all your own jars. -- In what reality is this true? Oh, sure, I can open any jar I want. Now where's my hammer?
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend. -- Then don't be so damned petty and quit holding a grudge just because you were overlooked on the list of invites. Good god.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. -- Think hard. Do you really need dozens of pairs of shoes with subtle differences between each one?
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. -- How about saying 'choose to ignore' the thing is, this is a choice.
Everything on your face stays its original color. -- Huh? If you're talking about makeup, and you don't want to wear make up, then choose not to and stop whining.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. -- And women can't? You can choose to "play with toys" or not. Nothing stops you from doing that.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. -- And you can do the same! Imagine that!
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. -- Is it necessary to get the expensive manicure or pedicure? You could do the same, but you have to choose to!
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives -- And so can you! It's all about choice
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and WWWildman -- If any friends of mine did that, I'd cease to be friends with them.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. -- So women are cheap?

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. -- If you're whining about this here's a hint: DON'T BUY SHIT YOU DON'T NEED!

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. -- And how much of this crap is actually necessary?

I don't really have anything specific about the rest of this...

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

---

Ok, so what annoys me about this more than anything is the tone of this message, the constantly whining about how bad they have it, when just about everything they are whining about they can change. If you're unhappy with the way the world is, then take a step back, look at what you're doing and change what you can! Is that so hard to do? Don't give into the consumerist bullshit. Make your own choices, and live your life the way you want, and quit whining about how much better men have it. You can choose to forego that 32nd pair of shoes, you can choose not to slather your face in toxic sludge to make yourself "pretty", because the truth is, beneath all of that horrible goop, you really are beautiful. Don't be afraid to be who you are, instead of what the marketing folks want you to be. If you can just be yourself, you'll be happier, too!

CareerSpammer

Received this happy pile-o-bullshit from CarreerBuilder, despite the fact that I have found a job, and have thus closed my resume, some still prefer to spam my e-mail with this. Lets do a blow-by-blow teardown of this spam. 

---

Dear Jobseeker,

We have recently reviewed your resume on CareerBuilder.com and have decided to contact you with a rare job opportunity.

If you actually took one freaking look at my resume you'd realize very quickly just how utterly irrelevant the rest of your spam would be.  Either that, or your reading comprehension is so lacking you really belong in the 3rd grade, and not running a "recruitment" firm.

What we are looking for

Our company is currently hiring responsible and motivated individuals to help us improve our financial system and increase our cash flow. We are committed to improve ourselves and we value honesty and responsibility for which we reward our employees financially in a productive long-term employment.

What we offer

     New income system: commissions without sales
     Very attractive income based on a standard salary plus commissions and bonuses with each order [emphasis mine]

Did you mistake a resume for a technical person for that of a sales drone? It's a common mistake, I can understand...

     No fees ever required

Oh, good to know I won't have to pay you to have such a wonderful job

     You can start immediately
     Net income up to $95,000 per year
     You can work part-time or full-time

 Red Flags! This is how i know you're a spammer:

"You can start Immediately" translates to "we have no screening process and need warm bodies that will hopefully take orders for us."

"Net Income up to $95,000 per year" translates to "You'll be lucky to make $100 per year, but we're not gonna tell you that, 'cuz the more people you rope in, the more you can make, amwayiright?


"You can work part-time or full-time" translates to "Really, we couldn't give a rats ass. If you're at least half-intelligent you'll realize this is a golden opportunity you shouldn't toss your day job for. We know this, so we're desperate enough to take on part-timers to take orders.

     Flexible vacations/holidays - you choose how much and when to work or have time off

Not necessarily a red flag, but shows desperation; what this really means is "We're desperate enough. if you decide to take a 6 month "vacation" while you're flipping burgers at Micky-D's we'll understand, after all, it's a much higher paying job that what we have to offer.

     Job for a large and stable company which means higher financial security

Seriously, Amway, is that you?

What is required?

     Microsoft Office (Word) - basic knowledge
     Access to the Internet and e-mail

"We don't require much. Can you breathe without drooling? No? Well you're hired anyway!"

     Good level of work ethics

Not really a hard requirement, after all you can set your own hours. So long as you actually get something right once in a while, we'll cling to you desperately.

     Will to learn and perform tasks in a timely fashion
     U.S. resident or green card holder
     You are not required to quit your current job.

You're consuming oxygen, right? Great! you're hired! Enjoy your new career in telemarketing!

Obligations and responsibilities

     Dedication in helping our company’s financial system and improving our business
     Perform various basic financial tasks
     Provide regular reports and updates on your orders and their status

By "helping our company's financial system" we mean hard selling to people who never wanted our crappy products in the first place.

"Perform various basic financial tasks" Can you do order data entry and take people's credit card numbers without stealing too many of them? Great! you're an excellent fit!

We are also offering the possibility of advancement inside our company for the more dedicated and ambitious employees. During the initial stage of this new job you will receive and depend upon precise instructions as well as help from our Support Department. Qualified candidates will be offered flexible schedules of work, competitive salary, bonuses and other benefits. Company covers all expenses needed to perform this job.

 Ready to climb the pyramid? We have some double-diamond(tm) opportunities waiting for you!

This job entails only a few hours of work per week so you will be able to plan your work schedule with ease.

In other words, we warned you: "Don't quit your day job"; now our asses are covered.

Looking forward to working with you, reply to this e-mail if you are interested.

Oh, and if you reply, thanks for helping us update our spam database. We need to confirm you e-mail is valid so our inbox on the crusty server at an undisclosed location somewhere in the Philippines  stops flooding with invalid address messages. You're helping our spamming operations become more efficient and irritating.

Human Resources

Cute... They think they're people.

---

What annoys me most, I think, is the total lack of regard for the job seeker's skills and desires. It would be a cold day before I even considered something like this. Also, did the author of this message even notice when they were "reviewing" my resume that I had flagged myself as unavailable for hire because I found a job? Or did they harvest my account name from the system before they did that?

In short: No. I don't even consider opportunities like this for a second. They have demonstrated utter contempt for the potential "employee" --and I use that word loosely --by offering something that doesn't even remotely match their skill set or interests.

The sad state of science

This post illustrates in so many ways what is wrong with our world today. To continue stereotyping, and to continue to engrave the idea of blatant consumerism rather than real discovery and science simply disturbs me on so many levels.

I couldn't agree more with Bree. We should cultivate the culture of discovery in all kids, whether they are boys or girls. Arguably, one of the most significant discoveries in the 20th century was made by a woman, and that discovery brought about the nuclear age. (Whether it was a good thing or a bad thing is another matter all-together. That's what the governments did with the discovery...) which among other things helped broaden our understanding of physics, brought about a powerful new source of energy, and gave us life-saving cancer treatments.

It just keeps getting better: More about the "Lunk Alarm" gym

So, in this detailed review of Planet Fitness, the reviewer goes through all of the amenities, including— get this— Free Pizza and bagels:

Perks: Free Pizza, Bagels and Candy?

In addition to the free tanning and Shiatsu massage chairs that come with a the Black Card upgrade, Planet Fitness offers three other perks to all of their members: free pizza once a month, free bagels once a month and the ever-present jar of purple Tootsie Rolls at the front desk.
Yes. I’m not joking.
When you join Planet Fitness to get in shape, once a month they reward you for those 300 calories you just burned on the treadmill with a nice 500 calorie slice of greasy, cheap pizza from a local pizzeria.  Or how about a giant, high-glycemic carb bagel to set you on your way to great summer abs? And when you’re done working out each day, grab a couple of purple Toostie Rolls loaded with high fructose corn syrup.
This whole thing would be laughable if it wasn’t so absurd.  I can understand providing some kind of “treat” to your customers every once in a while, but outside of serving fried chicken or corn dogs, I can’t think of two more unhealthy foods to offer.  A better approach would be to provide some type of healthy snack for their members, that helped them get an idea that eating better can taste good as well. Why not wraps, high-fiber protein bars, or even a healthy version of pizza?

Come to think of it, what a great business plan, keep 'em fat so they keep coming back. Augh, I think I'm gonna be sick.

"Judgement Free" Zone

 C'mon! get real... A Lunk Alarm?

Ok, Given I'm not in the greatest shape, and I just recently joined a gym (which does not have such an alarm, btw) I've never felt intimidated by the heavy lifters at my gym, but to actually call out and humiliate people with a big blue flashing light and an alarm because they grunt or drop a weight. Give me a break!

Buyer Beware

This falls under the subject of predatory advertising.

I follow Mouse Print pretty closely, reading their weekly articles. They've covered such things as airline's hidden fees and ways food manufacturers disguise their downsizing. The article linked above is, in my opinion, the worst that it gets. A web page that purports to be an actual news article from a real news organization touting the benefits of some dietary supplement.

Many people could be fooled into thinking it's real, but the entire thing is a work of fiction created by a bottom-feeding supplement manufacturer. I have seen similar websites for similar products. All seem to espouse the benefits of the product and appear on the surface to be legitimate. That is, of course, until you look at the fine print buried at the bottom of the page.

Shame on them.

Oh, and by the way: There is no magic berry that can make you lose weight. Losing weight is simple math, You have to take in less calories than you use.

Seems Ralph Lauren does not like criticism of the artwork in its ads

This story says it all. I originally spotted this ad on Photoshop Disasters a blog chronicling some of the more absurd Photoshop edits in advertisements, which has also been chilled by the fashion designer.

Hey, a novel idea: If your ad is flawed, then why not go back and try to improve it rather than trying to silence your critics?

Have a nice night!

This sort of insane behavior really makes me wonder, sometimes. It's not at all like the hostess did something wrong. Far from it, actually-- She was being courteous, and what thanks does she get? Someone complaining about how out of line she was.

Blogs about the baby, Tickets, tolls

Well, I've been meaning to do this for quite some time. I've made my name more anonymous, now... and now christopher's posts get his own blog. So... if you want to see his posts, Send me an e-mail (mraiford at google mail service, gmail.com). This is mostly for protection of my wife and son. People you don't want finding things on the internet tend to find things on the internet.

Now,

On to my blog post subjects today, Tickets and Tolls.


We went to an event at a local city, and it was hot. I wanted to get a couple drinks for us, so went to one of the many concession stands and attempted to order. "That'll be 5 tickets, please!"

... Excuse me? Tickets? Why do I need tickets? I'm sure there's a nice marketese explanation as to why I need tickets: "To better serve our guests and make it more convenient for them"

Right .... In the end it winds up being a hassle, since I have to wait in line for tickets, when I found an empty concession stand just seconds ago. I think they do it in hopes that you don't try to cash them back at the end of the day. Oh well, at least the drinks were more affordable than the Balloon Festival.. eesh .. $5 for a cup of lemonade from powdered drink mix.

Tolls. Recently, not too long after adding tolling a previously toll-free road, the state's legislature decided it wasn't getting enough money from the most expensive toll road in our area (It used to be free). They needed to make the other tolled route more expensive as well. I'd love to see them actually use these tolls to help alleviate the traffic problem in our area instead of building even more toll roads.

The sad thing is, one toll plaza is virtually unavoidable. In order to skip that one, I'd have to take a circuitous route that involves plenty of extra drive time and quite a bit of back tracking for good measure. Fine. I'll go through that one. But I'm avoiding toll roads whenever possible, even though the tolled route (the one that was always tolled, never free) was the most efficient route.

How to get people to vote your way

There's an ad spot airing right now which urges you to contact congress or face gas shortages like the 1970's. This law sounds bad right? What does it amount to? Stricter controls on the pricing of gasoline. As I have blogged about multiple times the petroleum companies are getting filthy rich while the rest of us are having to pay exorbitant prices for gasoline. They use varied excuses ranging everywhere from an imminent hurricane about to hit the shore (which never materialized), taxes (Yes, taxes have jumped sharply in a few days has been one of their excuses), changeover from winter to summer formula, and various others. The list goes on.

This latest ad makes the idea of price control, lower fuel tax and holding the petroleum industry accountable sound like a bad thing. This is an industry that keeps bringing in record profits. Don't listen to the ad, vote with your mind, not with your fears. This is also the industry that artificially adjusts supply, while demand remains virtually constant using a variety of excuses. Supply goes down, prices go up.

The petroleum industry is a cartel. For more examples of what a cartel can do for you, I suggest you visit your local jewlery store. Those shiny transparent things? They aren't so rare. Industrial diamonds are cheap, but the cartel would have you believe the diamond is a rare thing, and demand a high price. Not so, you see, they control the supply ...

They banned tag!

Remember the game of tag? Someone would be tagged, they would be "it", and run after someone else to tag them and make them it. Apparently, this is a bad thing now. It's considered chasing and harassing to some. My God. I remember when I was a kid we would play tag. I always wound up as being "it" it always annoyed me, because I wasn't a very fast runner. Yes -- I would get pulled into the game without really wanting to participate, but the furthest thing from my mind was to complain that I was being chased and harassed.

It seems our general inflated sense of entitlement is rubbing off on our kids. How sad.

An observation ...

On several occasions I've seen these things placed in the seat portion of the grocery cart. It seems people these days are becoming more and more germophobic. Seriously, they put these on their carts to keep their precious little spawn away from any and all germs.

What they're really setting their child up for is being seriously ill later on. A child who is not exposed to at least some illness-causing agents will not be able to build any immunity. Using something like this really is a disservice to your child^1,2.

My belief? These parents fall into one of 2 categories: Those who are true germophobes who's cleaning-product shelf looks that of a hospital ward in charge of taking care of immunocompromised patients, and those who just simply don't want a sick, whiny kid with a runny nose, they also have similar shelves in their homes, sanitizer at every sink, and will generally sneer at you, should you get too near their precious child.

I don't quite understand this culture of needing to raise your child in a perfectly sanitized pristine environment. And FYI, those covers are likely to be even more of a breeding ground for dangerous bacteria than the smooth plastic and metal of a shopping cart.

Cell Phone Slamming

I suppose word hasn't gotten around yet, so I'll be the one to break it to everyone:

Check your cellphone bill ... Look at it carefully. It seems the new form of slamming is particularly insidious. Send junk to your phone and bill you for it.

I have not subscribed to any monthly service whatsoever, and yet, I keep getting a $10 monthly text message. An advertisement is all it is, but they get to charge me $10 for it. No more.

Look for it: 21277 Text Alerts, Provider: Mobile Lifestyles

Gasoline Price Excuse Calendar #2

Taxes.

Yep. The reason gas prices are so inflated right now is taxes.

(Keep in mind that taxes are only 15% of the total price you see at the pump and they haven't really changed at all)

Here's a little hint: They wouldn't have raked in nearly as much dough as they have if the reason truly were taxes.

I think they're running out of good excuses, or at least plausible ones.

I was hoping it would never come to this

Whoops!

Due to some scum, I now have word verification turned on.

SPAMMER BE WARNED: I will be contacting your ISP. have a nice day :)

Some things are just ... TMI

At a local restaurant, we're enjoying our early dinner. A waiter answers a cell phone, and takes the call outdoors. No biggie. It didn't even phase me.

What happened next, however made me uncomfortable: He proceeded to explain to us the reason for his taking the call.

I didn't care. I didn't want to know. The right thing to do would have been not to say a word. In short, I don't really care about a complete stranger's dating life. Really. I don't. Revealing your excitement about the call was a far worse sin than simply taking the call and saying nothing about it.

I don't like feeling awkward when I'm on a date with my wife.

Norton Antivirus Upgrade Path

Today's Dilbert just about sums up my user experience with Norton Antivirus. I take it Scott Adams is a Norton user as well.

Flash back to the heady days of 2005:

Again, after some severe procrastination, I decided to update my virus definitions. Norton's site wanted to charge as much for a year's worth of virus updates as it did for the new version. Guess which choice I took? That's right. The new version. Great. After about 24 hours of frustration, pain and agony, resulting in some bizarre steps that could have been construed as ritualistic, I finally got the upgrade on, but not without seriously ripping apart the program to the point where it was no longer operational. A distant memory, now, but it was a horrible user experience. Software installation shouldn't be painful.

Fast forward to last weekend:

After much procrastination, I decide to purchase another year of virus definitions. Click the purchase button, expecting it to helpfully take me to a website where I can purchase the update, but instead I get a nasty dialog demanding that I give it a code. So, figuring I cannot go on without the code, I go digging. I find 3 candidate numbers and dutifully punch them into the little white box. None work. What the hell? All I want to do is get another year of definitions. Why won't it let me continue with the purchase? So, I click on a button it recommends if I don't have the code. It lists about 2 dozen different phone numbers, depending on which part of the world you live on. I ask my wife to grab a phone for me, and proceed to dial, only to find out their number has changed! Gah! It took me a while to notice the hyperlink. Well, well. That link takes you to the purchase site.

I could have saved half an hour and some pain and agony if the program had directed me to the purchase site first, then asked for the code.

Signs

At a local interchange, they can't seem to get the signs right. There's a problem with the signs going from the northbound lanes of one freeway to the other freeway, It used to throw me every time, until I stopped paying attention. Now, at the same interchange they've put up new signs, which don't make any sense. Anyone not familiar with the area or the interchange has the potential for either missing their exit or winding up in a serious accident when they make the mad dash to exit.

I really wish the bozos putting up freeway signs showing the lanes that exit and where to would do the job right!

Texas has gone toll happy

We have 2 toll roads in the Dallas area, and I have to commute using one of them. Not bad, but its going to get bad. There have been plans to make what used to be a highway into a toll road, and now under the threat of taking 10 more years to complete, instead of 3 more years, a project that was once considered a freeway will now be a tollway.

Now, the question is: Once they've paid off building the road, and improving the local roads with the money from the tolls will the state let go of their cash cow? Keep in mind these projects (the 161 project specifically) are being handled by private companies who are interested in one thing, and one thing alone: The bottom line.

Fuel Price Excuse Calander

Today's Entry: Switching from Winter formula to summer formula

Previous entries include such zingers as:

Impending Hurricane. Must raise prices.
Exploding Refineries.
Transient Electrical Distrubances in the pricing system caused by sunspots


The last one is a joke, but can you really tell the difference?

$2.50 per gallon when they're pulling record profits on a commodity that everyone needs is just plain sickening.