Man-bashing

So, I saw this (I assume) erronelously forwarded message, essentially bashing men with a whole swath of woe is me yammering, I've decided this needs a line-by-line breakdown. Items I have a problem with are highlighted in red

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. -- In this day and age you can choose to retain your last name.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack... -- It can be for you, too ...
You can be President. -- Umm, didn't Hillary make a bid for this?
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park. -- I've seen plenty of women go to a waterpark sans-shirt, sure, they're still wearing their swimsuit top ...
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. -- Only if you're homless and/or uncouth.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. -- Wanna bet? Men have standards too, y'know.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. -- Pop quiz? Is this because you're female, or just ignorant? Seriously?
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. -- Stand back and look at the requirements here: Wedding gown: Needs exquisite material, is usually kept as a 'souvinier', Is custom designed and tailored. Tuxedo: Thrown on our back, worn, turned in the next day, no requirements for type of material except color, which must meet the exacting demands of the bride. Oh, and not all wedding gowns cost thousands of dollars-- that was your choice, there are less expensive alternatives, sure, they're not as fabulous as the one that was spun and hand-woven by the finest and most highly trained of japanese silkworms...
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. -- Again, wanna bet? Oh, and you chose to wear the uncomfortable showpieces.
One mood all the time. -- What planet do you live on?
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. -- There's a way to resolve that! Don't prattle on about what so-and-so is doing with mr so-and-so if you want a 30 second phone conversation. You have this choice.
You know stuff about tanks. -- Personally, I don't no squat about tanks. Just because you're female doesn't mean you also have to be stupid. If you want to know stuff about tanks, then get up off your duff and learn something about tanks instead of moaning about how great men have it because they know stuff about tanks!
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. -- You can choose what to bring, if you want to pack light, pack light. There's no reason to bring an entire trunk containing your 64 different pairs of shoes, and 1000 different ensembles for each subtle difference in room lighting and decor. Again, a choice you can make, so make the choice instead of frowning about your overloaded pack mule of crap you won't necessarily need.
You can open all your own jars. -- In what reality is this true? Oh, sure, I can open any jar I want. Now where's my hammer?
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend. -- Then don't be so damned petty and quit holding a grudge just because you were overlooked on the list of invites. Good god.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. -- Think hard. Do you really need dozens of pairs of shoes with subtle differences between each one?
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. -- How about saying 'choose to ignore' the thing is, this is a choice.
Everything on your face stays its original color. -- Huh? If you're talking about makeup, and you don't want to wear make up, then choose not to and stop whining.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. -- And women can't? You can choose to "play with toys" or not. Nothing stops you from doing that.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. -- And you can do the same! Imagine that!
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. -- Is it necessary to get the expensive manicure or pedicure? You could do the same, but you have to choose to!
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives -- And so can you! It's all about choice
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and WWWildman -- If any friends of mine did that, I'd cease to be friends with them.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. -- So women are cheap?

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. -- If you're whining about this here's a hint: DON'T BUY SHIT YOU DON'T NEED!

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. -- And how much of this crap is actually necessary?

I don't really have anything specific about the rest of this...

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Ok, so what annoys me about this more than anything is the tone of this message, the constantly whining about how bad they have it, when just about everything they are whining about they can change. If you're unhappy with the way the world is, then take a step back, look at what you're doing and change what you can! Is that so hard to do? Don't give into the consumerist bullshit. Make your own choices, and live your life the way you want, and quit whining about how much better men have it. You can choose to forego that 32nd pair of shoes, you can choose not to slather your face in toxic sludge to make yourself "pretty", because the truth is, beneath all of that horrible goop, you really are beautiful. Don't be afraid to be who you are, instead of what the marketing folks want you to be. If you can just be yourself, you'll be happier, too!

CareerSpammer

Received this happy pile-o-bullshit from CarreerBuilder, despite the fact that I have found a job, and have thus closed my resume, some still prefer to spam my e-mail with this. Lets do a blow-by-blow teardown of this spam. 

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Dear Jobseeker,

We have recently reviewed your resume on CareerBuilder.com and have decided to contact you with a rare job opportunity.

If you actually took one freaking look at my resume you'd realize very quickly just how utterly irrelevant the rest of your spam would be.  Either that, or your reading comprehension is so lacking you really belong in the 3rd grade, and not running a "recruitment" firm.

What we are looking for

Our company is currently hiring responsible and motivated individuals to help us improve our financial system and increase our cash flow. We are committed to improve ourselves and we value honesty and responsibility for which we reward our employees financially in a productive long-term employment.

What we offer

     New income system: commissions without sales
     Very attractive income based on a standard salary plus commissions and bonuses with each order [emphasis mine]

Did you mistake a resume for a technical person for that of a sales drone? It's a common mistake, I can understand...

     No fees ever required

Oh, good to know I won't have to pay you to have such a wonderful job

     You can start immediately
     Net income up to $95,000 per year
     You can work part-time or full-time

 Red Flags! This is how i know you're a spammer:

"You can start Immediately" translates to "we have no screening process and need warm bodies that will hopefully take orders for us."

"Net Income up to $95,000 per year" translates to "You'll be lucky to make $100 per year, but we're not gonna tell you that, 'cuz the more people you rope in, the more you can make, amwayiright?


"You can work part-time or full-time" translates to "Really, we couldn't give a rats ass. If you're at least half-intelligent you'll realize this is a golden opportunity you shouldn't toss your day job for. We know this, so we're desperate enough to take on part-timers to take orders.

     Flexible vacations/holidays - you choose how much and when to work or have time off

Not necessarily a red flag, but shows desperation; what this really means is "We're desperate enough. if you decide to take a 6 month "vacation" while you're flipping burgers at Micky-D's we'll understand, after all, it's a much higher paying job that what we have to offer.

     Job for a large and stable company which means higher financial security

Seriously, Amway, is that you?

What is required?

     Microsoft Office (Word) - basic knowledge
     Access to the Internet and e-mail

"We don't require much. Can you breathe without drooling? No? Well you're hired anyway!"

     Good level of work ethics

Not really a hard requirement, after all you can set your own hours. So long as you actually get something right once in a while, we'll cling to you desperately.

     Will to learn and perform tasks in a timely fashion
     U.S. resident or green card holder
     You are not required to quit your current job.

You're consuming oxygen, right? Great! you're hired! Enjoy your new career in telemarketing!

Obligations and responsibilities

     Dedication in helping our company’s financial system and improving our business
     Perform various basic financial tasks
     Provide regular reports and updates on your orders and their status

By "helping our company's financial system" we mean hard selling to people who never wanted our crappy products in the first place.

"Perform various basic financial tasks" Can you do order data entry and take people's credit card numbers without stealing too many of them? Great! you're an excellent fit!

We are also offering the possibility of advancement inside our company for the more dedicated and ambitious employees. During the initial stage of this new job you will receive and depend upon precise instructions as well as help from our Support Department. Qualified candidates will be offered flexible schedules of work, competitive salary, bonuses and other benefits. Company covers all expenses needed to perform this job.

 Ready to climb the pyramid? We have some double-diamond(tm) opportunities waiting for you!

This job entails only a few hours of work per week so you will be able to plan your work schedule with ease.

In other words, we warned you: "Don't quit your day job"; now our asses are covered.

Looking forward to working with you, reply to this e-mail if you are interested.

Oh, and if you reply, thanks for helping us update our spam database. We need to confirm you e-mail is valid so our inbox on the crusty server at an undisclosed location somewhere in the Philippines  stops flooding with invalid address messages. You're helping our spamming operations become more efficient and irritating.

Human Resources

Cute... They think they're people.

---

What annoys me most, I think, is the total lack of regard for the job seeker's skills and desires. It would be a cold day before I even considered something like this. Also, did the author of this message even notice when they were "reviewing" my resume that I had flagged myself as unavailable for hire because I found a job? Or did they harvest my account name from the system before they did that?

In short: No. I don't even consider opportunities like this for a second. They have demonstrated utter contempt for the potential "employee" --and I use that word loosely --by offering something that doesn't even remotely match their skill set or interests.

Tainted Candy

Halloween has come and gone. I'm sure many parents out there have closely inspected their kids' loot and given their seal of approval. So how did it happen that we became so careful about our kids' candy? This article gives the incident that set up x-rayed candies, and carefully checking packages for any sign of tampering. Not that you shouldn't be careful about your kids' treats-- you should, but it was someone's own avarice-driven poisoning of their own child that started the whole panic about tainted treats.

Now, that just begs the question: What kind of sick freak poisons their own child to satisfy their own greed!!?

Are people really this dumb?

I mean ... how on earth do you mistake a skunk for a cat? Kind of reminds me of that found cat poster.

Seriously neglectful parenting

Seriously ...

That's right, We need to fix the "liberal bias" in the Bible

Conservatives are getting progressively weirder. Here's a link to a website touting itself as "The Trustowrthy Encyclopedia."

They've fallen far, far off the deep end. I can't even begin to think about how the Bible could even possibly have any sort of political bias (at least, in the context of the modern American political system) But, hey, there you go!

Have a nice night!

This sort of insane behavior really makes me wonder, sometimes. It's not at all like the hostess did something wrong. Far from it, actually-- She was being courteous, and what thanks does she get? Someone complaining about how out of line she was.

Bad cars ...

Bad things can happen to good cars. Here's a whole bunch. I particularly like the LOLCat-like captions on the older ones.

Though, I feel a bit remiss about laughing at some of these tragic accidents.

Well, whuddya know ... Texting doesn't make you a poor speller after all.

Apparently, those that spell poorly in text messages, are just-- quite simply-- bad spellers.

Go Figure. And I'll bet they have lousy grammar, too.